It turns out I STILL am a pussy.

Today I cried while waiting for my dole check in a bank. Looking back on it, it's kinda silly. But then again, it's not.
Now for those who know me, and those who don't, I've been on an awful trip for a couple days. A week. Maybe two. Or three. Let's say five to make it more meaningful, and a bit more relevant to this rant.
Back then, I used to be one of those insecure types you people most commonly equate with the "nice guy" stereotype, sans the "unrequited love" angle - I didn't want nothing to do with anyone.
(Let me warn you though, this has nothing to do with romantic relationships)
Recently, I've been able to move out of that mentality thanks to a couple life changing experiences which helped me be a bit more in peace with who I am. And it was one of the best times of my life, bar none.
But you know what they say about insecurities. They don't die that easily.
And they have a tendency to resurface when everyone around you descends into despair.
Today was the culmination of a shitty ass regression process. I saw myself as the same insecure little git I used to be.
Needy.
Afraid.
Constantly looking to be confirmed by my peers (not accepted, but confirmed - as in YEAH YOU'RE DOING GREAT MAN!)
Looking for order on things that should not be ordered.
Today, as I gazed at myself on the mirror, it felt as if Greyface was gazing back.
Now a bit of context for the non-erisians: as you probably noticed I am a discordianist. We believe in Eris, the goddess of discord and strife, we believe she has been grossly misrepresented and vilified. We see her as the mother of all creative disorder. And only thru balance of both order and disorder we can be enlightened.
Grayface is her antithesis: the face of destructive order, of dualities, of imposition. Bureaucracy. All those things that hinder human societies.
And Lo Was Told That Tylophanes the Stray was illuminated in Banco Nacion, while reading the Parable of Life and Death from the Book of Eris, as he waited for the cash that his state owed him.
Mind you, it wasn't theatrical or anything. I just started leaking water from my eyes like there was no tomorrow. Because right then and there, Eris slapped yours truly hard on the pineal gland and said: "Look at yourself for a second, you schmuck. It's time to let go of earthly and spiritual bindings, and just face the Mu on your own. No Ropes. No Bungee Cords. No parachutes. Just jump."

And I truly am thankful to my goddess, The One-And-All-And-None, for this small tidbit of illumination, lest I become illuminati instead.

Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia! Fnord.

THE PLAYGROUND
A Parable About Life and Death

. . . I awoke to find myself walking hand-in-hand with the Mother-of-Us-All toward a beautiful Playground, a playground that seemed to stretch to infinity. She brought me to the gate, gave me a big hug and a kiss, and said unto me, "This is your playground, do as thou wilt, and have a good time. "I nervously walked through the gates, and was amazed at all the sights and sounds. There were monkey bars, slides, toys, sprinklers, and all types of fun goodies, as far as the eyes can see. There were also many, many children of all different shapes and sizes playing through out the Playground.
I explored my surroundings for a while, and made a few friends. All around me children were playing and doing many things(as children are want to to). Some children played by themselves, and some played with many kids. Some only had one or two playmates, and some had none. There were even a few who didn't want to play at all, and said that playing was bad. Sometime some of the kids would steal the toys from the other kids, and others would hog all the toys around them. Some even shared their toys with others.

All around me, children were running and jumping, laughing and singing, loving and fighting. Some kids would stay in the playground for a while, and some had to leave as soon as they got there. Sometimes fights would break out amongst the children, often for silly reasons. Some children had too many toys to play with, and some had none. Some of the kids would section off a part of a playground, and wouldn't let any one else play there. Bullies would roam the park picking on the weaker kids. Many games were play in the playground. Some of the games were: cops and robbers, war, hospital, convert the heathens , feed the poor , get a good job, etc.
I noticed a bunch of kids in the middle of a heated discussion, so I decided to see what was going on. I discovered that the children were discussing the nature of the playground. Some children said that this is the only playground there is, while others said there are an infinite amount of playgrounds. Some argued that this section of the playground was the only section to have children playing , and others say that there are many sections with many children in it. Some say that when you leave the playground you never come back, and some say that you come back over and over again. I didn't get involve in that discussion, because I knew better.
In another discussion pool, the kids were talking about the Mother-of-Us-All. Some said she didn't exist, some said she did. A few of the kids believed that there was no Mother-of-Us-All, only the Father existed. Some believed that there were many Mothers and Fathers. And some of us believed that She is All-in-One, and Onein-All. There were kids who said that if you do not play the way they said that Mother/Father wants you to play, you will go to a very, very BAD place when you leave the playground. I found a few who truly loved the Mother, and said to them, "hey guys, lets just play".
Every once in a while Mother would call out the name of a child and tell them it was time to go home. Some children would scream and cry and throw temper tantrums, but to no avail. When Mom said it was time to go, it was time to go. I decided to really enjoy my stay in the playground. I played with many kids, had many adventures, had run-ins with bullies, scraped my knees a few times, and generally had the time of my life. After a while, I grew very tired and sleepy, and I knew it was soon time for Mother to call my name. I put my toys away, and called all my playmates together for one last game of tag. When the game ended, I head Mother call my name. I bid my playmates farewell, and told them not to cry, we will all play together again someday. I ran out off the park and into Mothers waiting arms. I placed my head on her bosom and said. "Thank you Mom, I had a great time in the Playground". She just smiled at me gave me a kiss on the forehead, and I fell asleep in her arms.

I awoke to find myself walking hand-in-hand with the Mother-of-Us-All toward a beautiful Playground, a playground that seemed to stretch to infinity. . . .
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And then the long pulse of Zion Dub.